Earlier in the evening I made and observation about our second son. I said he and I were a lot a like. What I was talking about was the fact that he and I are a lot a like in body rhythms. We are more awake and alert in the evening and night hours than in the morning. We are night owls, truly. If our day could run from about 10 am until 11pm for him and 1 am for me we'd do just fine. But unfortunately for us the world just doesn't work that way.
Later in the evening, as I was instructing him for the umpteenth time about bed time procedures and the particular duties he had tonight, namely go to bed, stay in bed, don't bother your brother, stay off his bed, don't talk to or yell at your brother, no yelling down the hallway, no more drinks and potty trips and two drips does NOT constitute an emergency, lay still and quiet, don't turn the light on, don't kick or beat on the wall, and yes eventually you will go to sleep, he got all huffy, yelled at me, called me snaggletooth (his current 'bad' name), and stomped down the hall. His father called him back, discussed and disciplined him, including the worst indignation, making him apologize to both of us, and walk normally back to his room ( a feat he had to practice) a couple of times. After that episode, I revised my earlier statement, the one that said we are both a LOT a like. I said, well we aren't entirely alike, I wouldn't have done that.
My husband asked, "you mean you don't throw fits" knowing full well that, yes I do, on occasion, more than I'd like to admit, throw fits, and quite readily at times.
So I had to qualify my statement, saying "I wouldn't have done so then. It has only been as an adult that I have learned to throw a fit"
He picked up on the distinction and said "You are saying it is all my fault," making himself out to be the bad guy in my change of personality.
So I had to process and explain exactly what I meant. As a child and teenager all of my relationships were tainted with the fact that I believed love and and acceptance as a person was always conditional. At the time I didn't even realize that was my belief. It has only been recently that I have been able to put words to and actually define that belief. It has been hard for me to realize this was what I was believing. But my behavior definitely shows that belief. I was the compliant child, non-confrontational, always doing what I could to be accepted. I would change my mold of what I thought I should do and be to fit what I thought, those that were most important to me wanted me to be.
Now let me say that I am in NO WAY saying that this is the way that others, especially those closest to me, viewed me, wanting me to do and be certain things or they wouldn't love or accept me. I am saying that *I* thought that in my own mind, and therefore I acted in that way.
It wasn't until my relationship with my husband began and began to mature, that I began to realize the error of my thinking and therefore my ways. It has been a LONG road to being able to realize this and admit it aloud (on paper, blog etc) to others. We have been together for almost sixteen years, I can think of few relationships that have endured through that same period of time, with the exception of family. Most of my relationships now have begun either around the same time or since that time. These people know the 'realer' me. The one that I am learning myself. I still struggle with thoughts and desires of conformity, to a group or idea, but I am learning to be myself more and more. I am learning more and more *who* I am.
And he has been my greatest teacher in that area, weather he realizes it or not. As I told him tonight. Yes he was a big catalyst in that change for me, learning to express myself and be vulnerable in my relationships. Learning to risk who I am and learning that real love is unconditional. Acceptance is not love and it can and usually is conditional. But those that truly love me, love me in spite of my differences. I can throw a fit and still be accepted and loved by them.
So in short, Yes it is his fault, but that is a good thing.
Now just have to learn when it is appropriate to throw a hissy fit, scream and stomp, and when it is more appropriate to express my displeasure in other more constructive ways.
More on how this applies with my walk with God in a later post.
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