Freedom

I have contemplated quite a bit about today's post.  Being the Fourth of July, I wanted to do a post on the holiday or something.  I was at one time in my life a history major and still love history, especially American History.  However, I decided to go a different route. 

Freedom.

Not in the historical sense for this holiday, but personal freedom.  I have spent much of my life mired in what others expected of me, or worse, what I THOUGHT others expected of me.  An off hand comment, a look, even an action different from mine and I would take it as disapproval.  I would then examine my actions, decide what the other person wanted me to do and change my actions.  The more highly I held that person's opinion on the matter at hand, the faster I changed.  No matter how it made me feel, or stressed me out.

For example I remember the day after Pumpkin was born,  I was  a new mother,  doing what I thought was right.  My parents came up and stayed the night, bringing us home the next day.  I was so glad my mother came up.  She was wonderful. However, she made a comment before they left the next day.  Something to the effect of "Maybe you can get her on a schedule before we come back"  I am sure those weren't the words she said, but that is what I heard.  I heard I was doing things wrong, and what I could do to fix them.  That was on Tuesday, and they were due back on Friday.  I had THREE days to get a newborn infant on a schedule.  So that is what I attempted to do.  I was going to please my mother and be a good mother my self.  Those of you that are mother's know exactly how absurd this was under "normal" circumstances.  Not to mention Pumpkin, couldn't/wouldn't nurse.  By Friday my baby, was jaundiced and had lost over 10% of her birth weight. and unbeknownst to me at the time starving.  I felt like a failure. 

We went to the doctor.  Had a wonderful visit with her pediatrician. She explained what was going on and we got her started on supplementary feedings and she gained 6 oz in a day's time.  By the time she was a week old she had lost her jaundice and was eating normally.  My parents came up during this time and helped a great deal with her feedings and light bed therapy, and gave me a chance to rest.  However, I let them know everything I was doing was doctor guided, and neither one said a word again about feedings, schedule or anything else.  That was one itty bitty step I took, toward personal freedom.

Over the years I have taken more and more, doing things the way I see fit, guided by my Heavenly Father.  These steps have taken me away from what I and others imagined for my life.  I am working to not let what others think I should do influence my decisions on what I actually do.  I am also working to not let approval or disapproval affect my self esteem.